I can safely say I’ve never had more stories with any one individual. It’s hard to keep this entry from becoming a novel. Thankfully the Fireworks, the night with Jon and the tranny from New York are all already in their appropriate entries, which helps to cut it down a little. Nolan I were never best friends, but we damn sure relied on each other often, and thusly had many adventures together. We will most likely continue to have adventures for the rest of our days. I suppose the best of the stories was also the most recent.

Nolan hated his job in Kansas. I was currently dissatisfied that my current job at the Mexican Restaurant hadn’t bumped me up from server to bartender like I asked, in addition to my sublet being up at the end of the following month. Nolan had a solution. He quits his job and comes up to get me in Chicago, and we drive around the entire country before settling in California. I thought this was a great idea, seeing as I had no place to live and my job was giving me the runaround. That september Nolan arrived. His first night in Chicago his car got towed because we parked it in a grocery parking lot. After that little hiccup we stopped off at some casinos where Nolan made his money back with his own strategy on roulette. Our first night in New York he got a parking ticket, and that weekend we met up with Carlos, Roger and Brooks for quite a few festivities. Upon finishing with NYC we strolled our way up to Vermont to visit Morgan, where we climbed a mountain and explored the local bar scene.

I encountered a petite brunette woman who seemed too innocent for the one night stands that I was used to, but I enjoyed her company, and she was quite attractive. We began conversing until a homely looking blonde woman came up and put her arms around both of us. She was quite drunk. She had previously been singing and playing guitar outside. She complimented us, saying we looked good together. Everyone always assumes the woman I’m with is my girlfriend.

When her assumption was put to rest, she told us that we should be together. Then she got weird. Blondes who like me always get weird. “You guys should totally go home together. If not, I’ll go home with you.” pointing at me. “Or I’ll go home with you.” pointing at her. “Or I could go home with both of you!”

I won’t lie.

I was intrigued.

But I did like this other girl, even though I knew nothing was going to come from the brief encounter. After all of her offers were shot down she retreated. I turned back to my lady with a sheesh look and we went back to conversing. We played some board games and I convinced her to sing a dirty version of Summer Nights on karaoke with me. I knew right then by her reaction to some of the lyrics that she would have probably been good for me to get off my slutty slump. Unfortunately I was not staying. We played some pool and when she went to the bathroom the blonde returned. “Hey what’s up?”

“Just playin’ some billiards.”

“Oh. Well I was gonna go home and take a shower. Did you wanna come with me?” I paused. It was tempting.

“I’m kinda hangin’ out with this other girl right now.”

“That’s fine. I’ll probably come back. Let me give you my number.”

“Well if you’re coming back then I’ll just see you then.” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

“Okay.” She said, then moved in for a hug. I gave it to her and she walked out the door. Apparently her father was the local 5-0, and was also right outside. Good thing I didn’t let my dick get the best of me that night. Everything ended with a dull roar. I got the woman’s phone number and texted her a few times over the rest of the week but it, of course, fizzled away. After thanking Morgan and his family for their hospitality we ate our obligatory next day diner brunch and made our way to Shane in Maine!

He lived in a town consisting of a whopping 3,000 people. There wasn’t much to do, but Shane was always entertaining enough for us. We drove down to a rocky ocean and explored tiny little caves that were around. We also found an enormous tree that had fallen over. All the branches were cut off, and we decided to roll it into the ocean. It took multiple hours, but it was fun, and we felt like men. There’s not much else going on in Maine anyway.

For whatever reason Nolan was intent on getting fucked up that night. We had sixteen beers of four varieties and we drank at Shane’s Grandpa’s old house. I wanted to see what the local color looked like, so I offered up going to the one bar that was in town. This suggestion was voted in unanimously and we soon strolled into the bar on ladies night. There were about 10 people there. Seven of them were women, all of them were over 30. We were already fairly drunk but we ordered more rounds. The bartender seemed to like us and gave away many a free drink. If we ordered one, he gave us four. He said we were by far the most entertaining guests he’d ever had. Nolan and myself made fake names for each other, but Shane didn’t know it, therefore blew our cover by calling us different names every time.

That’s when she strolled in.

Some woman sat down right next to Nolan. She rubbed his back. She was all over him. She was not attractive, but we were all pretty fucked up. Nolan worst of all. He drank quite a bit. I stepped outside for some air and soon after Nolan came out, arm draped around the mystery woman. They began making out. She turned to me. “I love your hair!” She grabbed it and pulled me in and kissed me.

That was strange.

“It’s my birthday!” She shouted. To this day Nolan and I disagree on how old she said she was.

“Yeah? What do you wanna do for your birthday?” She backed up. She looked at Nolan. She looked at me. She then pointed to both of us, smiling.

“I wanna fuck y’all.” Nolan and I looked at each other and laughed. This woman was absolutely nuts. We went back inside and Nolan chatted up the bartender, making friends with him. Meanwhile the birthday girl kept staring at me. “What’s up?” She asked.

“I don’t know.” I replied, finishing my drink. That same idea hit me. The one that caused my awkward night with Alicia. “Wanna go outside and suck my dick?” I asked, trying not to laugh while saying it.

I was drunk, okay?

“Yeah!” She exclaimed. A blowjob’s a blowjob was apparently my train of thought and I walked outside with her. She sucked it briefly and then walked away.

“Happy birthday!” I shouted, perplexed.

“Thanks!” She said, and was gone. When I walked back in I told Shane what had happened. Nolan was furious. He thought I stole her from him. Maybe technically I did, but I was doing the kid a favor. This woman was definitely unattractive and very weird. Didn’t matter for Nolan though. He was already in blackout stage of drunk. The bartender revealed to us that there was another bar down the road. He said it was karaoke night and guaranteed to be more packed. We hopped in the car and Nolan drove over there, which is something he didn’t remember doing. The bartender was right.

This place was packed, and with actual attractive girls too. Inside everyone was singing and dancing and having a great time. We walked in and ordered a drink. Shane and I sat down while Nolan went to the bathroom. Scanning the room we saw something disturbing.

The birthday girl.

She was there.


I asked Shane what we should do. After the previous bar, Nolan was guaranteed to go after this woman. I saw a group of girls dancing together. Bingo! I walked up to them while Nolan returned to the bar to order himself a White Russian.

“Hey how goes it?” I shouted over the music. One of the ladies turned to me.

“Great! How’re you?”

“I’m good. I couldn’t help but notice you guys dancing away there! I just so happen to have a buddy who’s a great dancer!” I pointed at Nolan.

“You don’t dance?” the girl asked me. I wasn’t drunk enough to dance. I shook my head and walked over to Nolan.

“Those girls wanna dance with you.”

“What?” Nolan looked. “No they don’t.”

“Yes they do! I just talked to them!” Another girl approached the bar and I asked her if she was going to go up and sing karaoke. She said only if she had a partner, and once again I offered up Nolan. “You guys could sing Third Eye Blind!” I said. Nolan had expressed once that if he ever did karaoke it would be either Say it Aint’ so or Jumper. Since the former had already been performed with Brooks in NYC, I optioned for the latter with this lass. Nolan agreed only if I came too. I joined in and then dipped out about halfway through the song. I probably made it too obvious I was trying to set Nolan up with that woman, but afterward he did move toward the dancing girls from earlier.

Then it happened.

As Shane and I watched Nolan with this crowd of girls, the birthday girl noticed him on the dance floor. She started to walk toward him. I turned to Shane in a panic. “What the fuck!?” I tried to intercept but I was too late. She walked right up to Nolan, who instantly spun in her direction and started dancing with her. There was nothing to be done. We sat and watched the wreck that was Nolan’s beer goggles for a time.

Then it got weird.

People began to approach us. “Is that your friend over there?” They asked.


“Well that girl he’s with fucks pretty much anyone she comes in contact with. You gotta get him away from her.”

“We tried man.” I said. “The heart wants what the heart wants.”

By the end of the night they were making out on the dance floor and people were snickering like children. Such is the curse of a small town, I’m afraid. The girl who I had talked to earlier came outside at closing time. “What are you up to now?” She asked me.

“I don’t know probably head back home.”

“Well I’m having a few friends over at my place if you wanna come.” I politely declined, pointing to Nolan. He was my ride home and my cell reception around this town was that of a horror film. She gave me her number in case I changed my mind, and went off. Nolan put the birthday girl in the back seat and waved for us to come over. Shane said, “I’m not gettin’ in the back with her!”

“I don’t blame ya!” a random pedestrian shouted.

“Fine, I’ll get in the back.” I said. Nolan jumped out of the car and swung.


“Then I’m driving.” He paused for maybe half a second before tossing me the keys and climbing in the back. They were going at it in the back seat while we were on our way home. Shane leaned in.

“Yo, I don’t want this bitch at my grandpa’s place.”

“Well what do you wanna do?”

“Just pull over here.” We pulled the car into an empty parking lot. Shane turned around. “All right just head that way about a mile and it’s right before the bridge.” They didn’t hear us. I tossed the keys back and we walked home. I had begun texting the girl from the bar by this point, and she was wanting me to come over. I told her I couldn’t for lack of transportation. By the time we arrived home we saw Nolan driving up. “Oh no.” Shane said. He assumed she was with him.

He was right.

“Yo you gotta get her outta here.” He said. As fate would have it, the girl I was talking to said she was neighbors with the birthday girl. The room lit up with my idea. I stepped outside.

“Let’s go to your place!” I said to the birthday girl as she and Nolan walked up to the porch.

“What?” She said.

“Yeah! Let’s go over there!”

“Okay!” We all climbed back in the car and I gave Nolan the address. Upon arrival me and the birthday girl got out and Nolan sped off. She didn’t bat an eye as she walked right into her house. I found my girl’s apartment and told her I was outside. She opened the door for me and inside were two other guys. We sat and talked for about an hour while they dwindled.

When it was down to just the two of us, we moved to her bedroom where we fooled around and went to sleep. She didn’t want to have sex on the count of her period. I didn’t mind, but apparently she did. The next morning her friends came by to pick her up and take her hunting. They were shocked to see she had someone over.


Oh well. After that I made a five mile walk of shame back to Shane’s place. I was picked up about a mile and a half from the house by Shane and Nolan. Nolan was beating himself up over the previous night, which was something I did almost every time I went out. We recounted and told him what had happened. Two thirds of the party called the night an overall success and we left Shane-O with quite a story to remember.

The rest of our trip around the country went along the lines of the same kinda luck, ending gloriously with our first day in Kansas where we hit a deer, totaling the car and stranding us. Throughout our many travels Nolan and I shared many many discussions about girls, guys, and jobs. One of which was Nolan’s friend Allen. Nolan talked about a brief falling out they had over a girlfriend of Allen’s. Apparently they had stopped talking to each other at one point. After about a month Nolan texted Allen, “You home?”


“I’m gonna come over there and kick your ass.” The ass kicking didn’t happen because Allen had broken up with the girl and apologized for his behavior, but the mere fact that Nolan had said that to him had me on the floor. What a hilarious follow up to the question “You home?” He would have never seen it coming! Every time I receive or send a text asking someone if they’re home, I fight the urge to say “I’m gonna come over there and kick your ass.” because of Nolan.

A supervolcano could destroy the world. The scary part is they’re unpredictable and could go off at any minute. At my current state my living situation seems to be just as unpredictable. I  may very well find myself a yellowstone park ranger by the time Judgment Day comes. Damn birds chirping has always been a little irritating to me, so I’ll likely use earplugs when I sleep on the property. One day, due to their animal instincts, the birds will chirp and flutter nonstop. I’ll be forced to put my earplugs in while I’m working on another failed writing experiment. At least the steadiness of a park ranger allows me to afford a pretty decent sound system. I’ll likely replace the earplugs with turned up speakers, blasting some Springsteen or Zevon while I try to write. That’s when it’ll happen. The ground will rumble, but I’ll chalk it up to the volume.

I’ll write out a scenario where a character asks another if they’re home. Some pulp noir story I predict. That saying “I’m gonna come over there and kick your ass.” will try to fight through my fingers and onto the page. Being in such close proximity to an eruption powerful enough to destroy most of the planet, I doubt I’ll feel anything. It’ll probably happen in the blink of an eye, and it’ll all go quiet. Most of the world will die, some of it much slower. Thankfully it will be instantaneous enough for me to die thinking of that fateful road trip with Nolan that changed my life and lead me to a park ranger in Yellowstone.


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