I used to fuck around on dating websites. My constant traveling left me in towns where I knew no one and, thusly, the profile went up and the search began for some late night company. I was a broken man, and a relationship was the last thing I wanted. However, I still had needs to satisfy, but I wasn’t an asshole about it. I was open and honest on my profile, stating I didn’t want a relationship and that I was just looking for someone to go out with on occasion. I had also been very unexperienced. Dating Misty for seven years left me with knowing next to nothing in the variety of women that can be encountered and what they offer in the bedroom. I got bored quickly with the online dating scene, and found myself sending out various joke messages, equally to women who stated they weren’t looking for anything serious. I stumbled across this one girl who looked as if she was a bot (fake profile designed to get you to join some site with a credit card) and sent her a message saying “Wanna bang?”

The response was almost immediate: “Yeah!”

Broken men always attract broken women.

“…Okay.” What? It’s not that easy. It’s never that easy. She proceeded to tell me that she was a sex addict and was totally down to meet up and have sexual relations. She gave me her skype and we did a little pregaming before the weekend. I still didn’t believe that she was really just about having sexual relations. I spooked myself a bit by thinking about her playing some con to rob me or something. She had said she wanted to have sex all night long, and I told her that my previous record was 10 in 24 hours. She wanted to break it, so I purchased a box and bottle of rum and climbed into my car. My hands were shaking. This girl would be the second girl I’d ever had sex with in my life. And it was some random person I hadn’t even known for a working week. I was diving headfirst down the rabbit hole. This instance would trigger many future partners I would be intimate with, having forgotten their name halfway through. I didn’t know that, though. All I knew was that for seven years I got fucked over and it was about time I got the chance to finally have a fun, wild, fancy and free stage. Adrenaline pumped through my veins as I arrived at her house. The plan was to go to this 80s club. I texted her when I arrived, but received nothing in return. I sat outside the house she claimed to rent for what seemed like too long. What a joke, I thought, She’s probably in some other state cracking up with her friends about me sitting outside some stranger’s place.

Then the front door opened. There she was. The same girl I messaged and video chatted with. She waved and climbed into my car. I spun around and we headed down the highway, however our conversation turned sexual quickly and she concluded that she just wanted to go back to her place. I gulped silently and smiled, “Okay.” My hands shook again. We arrived back at her home and she had multiple roommates. Some of them weren’t there, but some 40 year old who was one of the girl’s father came out of his room, drunk. He greeted me and told me of how this country was going straight to hell. Alicia laughed and showed me the enormous kitchen, where she brought down two glasses and I poured us some rum and pineapple juice. We sat down in the living room and talked about random bullshit for a bit. Like I said, I’d only ever been with one woman in any and all fashions, so I had no idea where the signs were to make a move. I kept my distance, and when I asked her where she worked she claimed it was “Right around kiss me.” Now, it’s possible that she was saying Kissimmee, which is a town very close to where she lived, but I took it as the former and moved in. Her breath was stale. It wasn’t bad, it was just…stale. Everything was different from Misty. The way her tongue moved, the way mine responded, the way her skin felt, the way her touch excited me. She asked if I wanted to go smoke. I smoked back then so I said sure. She wanted to get her lighter from her bedroom. I walked with her and inside she bent over the bed in a sexual way and patted the blanket, “looking” for her lighter.

Did I mention she expressed major interest in roleplaying? After a few moments I knew what she was wanting, and I took matters into my own hands, literally. She moaned as I pulled her clothes off, and she ripped at my belt. I spun her around and onto her back, she stroked me and I tore open the box I had purchased just for this occasion. Foreplay was short and I mounted her. She screamed. She was loud. Very loud. Too loud. Jesus. She climbed on top of me and made noises as if she had learned everything she knew from watching porn. It was too much for my second time. I stuck through it while she writhed and shouted things like “OH GOD!” and “FUCK YES!!!” Someone pounded her door as she pounded on my balls.

“Hey, your bedroom window’s open and there’s a guy outside who can hear you!” She was too absorbed to hear what her roommate had said, but I was so far taken out of the situation I couldn’t help but look over my shoulder. She kept riding harder and harder as I reached over and pulled the window shut. She didn’t help. She didn’t even act like she noticed. What the hell did she think I was doing? She came and jumped off me, forcing my cock down her throat and gagging, loudly as well. I eventually came and she swallowed it all, looking up at me and saying “I’m good, huh.” It wasn’t even a question for her. I nodded and threw my pants back on.

I grabbed that rattling glass of getaway juice and drank it down. She opened the door and there stood three of her five roommates, staring in at me, spotlit by the hallway light. With my back against the headboard and one leg on the bed, I raised my glass in a cheers fashion as they smiled that “We know what you did just now” smile. I was invited to come downstairs and hang out with them. What was really going on was Alicia was pushing the reset button on her clit, and I was meant to stick around for another go.

I don’t wanna do this again, I thought. Let alone 11 more times. Damn value packs. I had to think of a way out, but I didn’t want to offend her. I drank some more. Damn this dick! I remembered through our brief conversations she had said that she’d never had sex in a car before. Bingo! “You wanna go for a drive?” I asked, eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, that sounds fun.” She purred. I grabbed my condoms and we got into my car. I asked her where a quiet place was to go and she was already unzipping my pants, instilling turgidity. She told me just to turn right down this dirt road before putting her head in my lap. I veered off around a small patch of trees and we moved to the back seat, where she once again rode me and split my ear drums with her shrieks. I’m pretty sure she was the one who clawed up my roof as well, which I didn’t even notice until many months later. The car rocked back and forth and once again I finished in her mouth. We relaxed for a few moments before re-clothing ourselves and driving back to her place. I pulled up outside, “Well, I guess I’ll see ya later.” A little blunt, but it worked.


Well, maybe it didn’t.

“What do you mean!” I used my dog as an excuse, saying that he’s at home in his cage and I really should go back to him, which was true. “We were supposed to have sex all night! What the fuck!” Her temper rose. I turned the engine off.

“Okay, well let’s go.” and I followed her inside, sending “fuck you” thoughts to my stupid penis and miming blowing it off with a shotgun. We were once again in a circle with her friends, talking about I don’t remember what.

I just kept drinking.

Eventually, I leaned to her and slurred, “Hey, you know what would be hot?” It was my last attempt to get out of the situation without being honest and saying I was just a little more innocent than I had always thought. I certainly wasn’t after that night. I played on the fact that she loved roleplaying.

“What?” she asked, smiling.

“You go into your room and pretend you’re asleep. I’ll ‘break in’ and then fuck you and then just get up, get dressed and leave. I won’t text, I won’t call, I won’t even say bye!”

“Ooooh that sounds hot! Let’s do that.” So that’s what we did. I had thrown myself into deep water in an attempt to learn how to swim, and I succeeded at dog paddling my way back to shore. I’m not proud of it. From an outside perspective it’s a funny story…unless maybe you view it from her side. Her side doesn’t have that key piece of information that was “I’m just not that into you”. In my mind I imagine everyone I’ve ever been with tells people about how terrible I am in one way or another. I’m sure her version begins with the guy who fake raped her and then never called. Not much I can do about it now. She didn’t either.

On the drive home I shook my head at myself constantly as I recounted the night. I remember how she had said she used to be a webcam girl living in Arizona. She brought up the legal brothel known as the Bunny Ranch and said that the owner had asked her to be one of his girls. I suppose she thought this was an impressive bit of information. I was indifferent to it, but every time I think about the Bunny Ranch, I think about the webcam girl who was just a little too much for an innocence I didn’t know I had.

Eventually prostitution will become legalized in more areas, and the Bunny Ranch will become the McDonald’s of Brothels. I’ll see a billboard advertising one of their models hired to represent their workers while walking through the city streets, and my mind will go back to that night. Just when I’m on the car sex part of my recap, a sink hole will open up before me, and I will descend into darkness, breaking my neck on impact. I’ll make the headlines in the weird news section, and it will fail to mention that I died thinking of the girl I had to have sex with three times before I could leave.


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